Pseudo Suitors............. (recent inspiration: Sound of Music)

"Sound of Music" was remade and aired last week. I loved that movie as a child. I am sure my allegiance to Catholicism was part of it, but many of the songs I have known for years. The lyric that sticks out now (and has been running in my head, is the song between Maria and Captain Von Trapp) - "Nothing comes from nothing, nothing ever could..."
I believe the reason I hear it over and over in my head is that I am soul searching.

At the end of an 8 year (on again and off again) relationship, I remind myself that THIS is a rear-view mirror, what-might-have-been feeling. If, honestly, nothing comes from nothing, nothing ever could, then why is the MISSING tangible... (When There Was NOTHING?)

There is a lot of poetry and music about the loss of love. These are things I would say, even myself:

“Hearing him talk about his mother, about his intact family, makes my chest hurt for a second, like someone pierced it with a needle.” ― Veronica Roth, Divergent

Yes. It THAT kind of hurt. The holiday schmaltz is like salt in a wound - especially all of the lovey-dovey JEWELRY ads. This was shared on Facebook:

"Sobering thoughts as we enter the holiday season...It is important to remember that not everyone is surrounded by large wonderful families. Some of us have problems during the holidays and sometimes are overcome with great sadness when we remember the loved ones who are not with us. And, many people have no one to spend these times with and are besieged by loneliness. We all need caring, loving thoughts right now. If I don't see your name, I'll understand. May I ask my friends wherever you might be, to kindly copy, paste, and share this status for one hour to give a moment of support to all those who have family problems, health struggles, job issues, worries of any kind and just need to know that someone cares. Do it for all of us, for nobody is immune. I hope to see this on the walls of all my friends just for moral support."...
It's not JUST me!

I am wanting - like the following quote to QUIT this kind of hurt over something best described as "nothing comes from nothing."

"So you've gotten over it, I guess?"...
"Not for a minute. I just quit hurting like hell." - Craig Lesley, Sky Fisherman

"Moving on isn't about not loving someone anymore and forgetting them. It's about having the strength to say I still love you, but you're not worth this pain." - Rita Ghatourey

“When I was young I didn't understand, but now, I know, how absence can be present, like a damaged nerve, like a dark bird.” ― Audrey Niffenegger, The Time Traveler's Wife

I feel it constantly and sometimes I shudder. Physically shudder and have to shake off the impending welled eyes. It happens at the most random of moments and I feel like I am "Faking it til I make it."

I write this, now, to remind myself that this is temporary.

Hoping to feel like the balloon has floated on.

I am not a tree! I am not a tree!

I once read advice: "Do not play with a woman's heart; why mislead a good woman if you're not going to love her the way she deserves to be loved."

I don't know where my leap is. Damn; I need a crystal ball!

I am overly sensitive, maybe, often melancholy. On the brink of an abyss all the time. Small things set me off. Currently I cannot bear to see joggers. ("HE" ran marathons. The "she" he replaced me with is a runner, too.)
It aches. It is YET ANOTHER ripped off bandaid and they are ripped off all the time.


I am reading a book called WILD (from lost to found) and this woman is hiking the PCT (Pacific Crest Trail) alone.
At Crater Lake, she marvels at what once was a 12,000 foot tall mountain called Mt. Mazama and what is now one of the deepest lakes in the world and IS the deepest lake in North America. It once was a wasteland of pumice and ash (much like Mt St Helens) and it is now lush. As she looks at this amazing body of water, this FULL crater, she finds it hard to imagine what it looked like when it was a mountain; it is also difficult to picture it as "empty bowl", back when the heart was removed from Mazama, back when it blew.
I have been to the Crater Lake Rim. I know that precipice. I feel that many things want to tip me over. I feel like my heart was ripped and left a crater when all this blew up on me.

This hiker in the book speaks of Crater Lake, Bridge of the Gods, Olallie Lake, Timberline Lodge
I have been there (all of these places)- there, with a man who loved me
fiercely,
wholly
madly,
deeply,
courageously...
until the day he died!

Lately, the loneliness is unbearable, when I see the crater in me and the lack of someone loving me. MEN MOVE ON. They have all been Pseudo Suitors and Bogus Beaus.
A line in the following song is something I am trying desperately to avoid:
"What makes you grow old is replacing hope with regret!"


Here, it is well put by:
Patty Loveless:


"Too Many Memories"

I remember this time with a love by my side,
And a peace seldom felt in this day and time.
And it gets melancholy every now and again,
When you let your mind go and it drifts way back when.
Life plays it's tricks, some cruel but fair...
And even a fool can pretend they don't care.


When there's too many memories for one heart to hold-
Once a future so bright now seems so distant and cold
And the shadows grow long and your eyes look so old,
When there's too many memories for one heart to hold!


There are those moments and they just never fade!
The look in his eyes and the way the light played.
God moved in that moment and the angels all cried,
And they gave you a memory that you have till you die!
And the lessons you learn and you don't forget,
What makes you grow old is replacing hope with regret!


When there's too many memories for one heart to hold-
Once a future so bright now seems so distant and cold
And the shadows grow long and your eyes look so old,
When there's too many memories for one heart to hold!


When there's too many memories for one heart to hold-
Once a future so bright now seems so distant and cold
And the shadows grow long and your eyes look so old,
When there's too many memories for one heart to hold!